Sunny days & Starry nights ... Saturday, March 31, 2012
many things to think about, having worked in a team and finding myself at a loss at times.
first, the thing about niceness and vulnerability. why does she have such a lousy attitude towards me that night? I swear it sucks. I knew she was taking advantage. I don't think I have done anything wrong to deserve that kind of attitude from her. seriously. i cannot stand it event when i recall the instances when she flared at me for the tinest thing. yes im angry but i havent showed it. not because i don't want to or can't, its simply because it will make things really ugly and thats not how things should turn out then. So i took it all in, putting on a front i know i will feel ashamed about afterwards. most of the time when shes good, i do respect her. for that intelligence and capability. and maybe ive allowed myself to get too dependent and weak and that was a chance for her to take advantage of. i swear it sucks being at somebody elses beck and call. i mean hello? who are you to breathe down on my neck like that??? WHO ARE YOU.
second, the thing about being a follower and being overshadowed by the leader. it's tough being a follower for a simple reason. you cannot assert yourself. you receive orders. you get blamed pretty easily. you get ignored becos your leader doesnt think you are important. your leader doesnt think your opinions matter. becos you are nothing but a follower. tata. i have said it all. what i have been suppressing all these while. i do feel pretentious. i hate myself for swallowing these and acting all nice. but really, there is no chance to reveal these negativities becos all they will do is overturn the boat and give a humongous backlash. so pretentiousness comes with a greater purpose. that doesn't count as being pretentious anymore. it is just tolerance for the greater good. the way i see it.
third, the thing about power, title, and then good quiet humbleness. i really admire those who could be there high in position and yet remain humble, without an air of high and mightyness. i really detest those who throw their weight about and uses power to corrupt.
Having said all that, it really does not mean i'm now the perfect model in that perfect mould i conceive. at times, i do commit the mistakes i hate and i think i do without my knowing. But these observations defintely make me learn , having seen what are undesirable and what are admirable.
I will be a humble leader who respects her followers. I guess that's how a servant leader is. I shall stop being lazy and acting all ignorant. WYN, take the lead.
last, when the one who acts all high and mighty with brains say something, it really does not mean she is right. stand your ground and fight your ground. do not succumb and give in just becos you lack the confidence.
& Lazy afternoons ...
1:02 AM :D
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
