Sunny days & Starry nights ... Tuesday, March 15, 2011
something happened today.
it was supposed to be a good day of outing with my extended cousins but somehow i have this nagging feeling deep down.
this is an example of how ideal doesn't match reality.
how ambition tangles with expectations and complicates with ability.
why do i always feel at such a loss when i have to deal with people issues?
is there really no one good solution, or is there one which i am just incapable of making.
my low inferior self is acting up again, and it always interferes with my proper functioning.
now especially so when im in this position.
i can't help but entertain the thought tht maybe im not cut out for this. and this thought feeds on itself as the more inadequate i feel, the less confident i deal with stuff, and the more inadequate i feel.
i often feel that i am not meeting up to the expectations i have for myself, and so i always feel very insecure when i have to make decisions for the fear that the decision will be a faulty one.
but now, time and time again, i m forced to come face to face with myself, my glaring weakness. it certainly is not a pleasant feeling. but i know unless i overcome it, it will keep coming back.
introspectionism.
what is the issue presented , how i have dealed with it. the implications. the alternatives.
issue: a call which presented a situation that was perceived to be urgent.
highlight: a call - i am not good with verbal conversations as i do not think quick enough to manage whatever that comes
urgency- there was pressure to resolve issue
emotional pressure- a friend was perceived to be unhappy and i felt the need to appease her
problem in handling the call - i should have talked to friend directly n not make intepretations. it was self esteem acting up as i was afraid that i will be viewed in a bad light. hence, i handled the issue from the basis that i need to provide an answer asap. I, I , I. i felt apologetic too soon n tried to make up to her too soon.
what i could hav done- understand what she alr know,
establish my stand i think i know where the problem lies. i lack a stand. and the confidence to sustain the stand.
what i intended: to go ahead with the bazaar as so much planning as been involved alr and some ppl rly do not mind helping out on a friday
trigger: feedback that theres confusion, that its not a good tradeoff, that there was an alt.
decision: cancel the event as opposed to what i initially intended
i cannot stand the way i do things , simply can't... i dislike the fact that i changed my mind when i felt that i had to appease or please a person i dont want to offend.
wynwynwynwynwyn... STAND UR GROUND!!!
you ren jiu you shi, but i should not let it affect me. i hav really done the best i could at that moment, n for that i hav answered to my conscience. whatever that comes, manage with grace (:
& Lazy afternoons ...
9:34 AM :D
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
