Sunny days & Starry nights ... Wednesday, June 23, 2010
many many thoughts have been walking thru' my head today and for the past few days n i'd like to capture them before they fly away to the nono land.
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hmm maybe i'll start with the realisation i recently made about my friends and myself . it honestly isn't easy to put this into words but i'll try. after the hong kong trip, 2 or 3 of the friends i've known since 12 or 13 had a unanimous , say comment, that i've changed , in terms of temperament that is. in their eyes, i guess i was that authoritarian and demanding person who could not resist manipulating the situation and people. i was that tyrant among them who dictated n went into a rage whenever i did not get my way. i guess that was true. i do have some memories of me. it's really strange how i look back now n find myself seeing another person. who is that ? i ask myself. again and again. rlly, who is that girl looking straight back at me . and this links back again to the question the awareness camp brought up - how did you become who you are today? that's probably a question many of us cannot answer in one go and will take years to figure out.
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i think it takes courage to look back into the past, especially for me. it scares me to recognise how self centered i was. i really do not know how to put this down, and even as im typing this, i'm scared. maybe becos i'm afraid of letting the shadows of my past take over again. i do not want to be the controlling person i once was. but its not good to escape either. i certainly have a number of regrets in my teenage years.
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i missed out greatly on interpersonal relationship. i was someone( i hope i can use was here) who did not know how to love and how to receive love. to love i mean being sensitive to my friends and understanding their needs, and more of empathising with them. i did not know how to see things from their perspective and i did not know how to consider their views. and to receive love i mean acknowledging the hao yi of my friends; friends who showed me concern i rejected. i don't know why it is so difficult to allow myself to be loved. when someone tries to get close ( emotionally) i always shut them out. im that inhibited. i don't think i knew this myself then.
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i was that person, who did not need to rely on her friends, and see no need to. in a way, i'm a lonely person. and i think i still am. i still find it hard to share a part of me with my friends . this struck me when i saw how strong a friendship one of my friends ( whom i think i was quite shou with) had built with a group of friends i know. it struck me hard that i've missed out alot. how is it that i've allowed a friend like that to drift away through the years? or can it be that we were never really that close before? i wonder how much i had given in the friendship i had in my secondary school days and how real that friendship is. how real can a friendship be when you are no longer the person who existed in that friendship? how real can a friendship be when it constantly reminds you of the person you were and dislike ? i just want to be really honest, and yes i am . i no longer feel the presence of that friendship that once existed. in a way, i feel that i've lost it when i found myself. i've lost it when friends in that friendship change. and i'm losing it again as we keep changing and keep failing to keep up with each other. that sounds really scary , im scared that time will take this friendship away like it alrdy had.
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i guess i was jealous when i saw the lives of my friends who were once my closest friends. it just feels like we no longer treat each other as an integral part of our lives. it saddens me alot to look at how far we have moved on and how much we have missed on each other's life. perhaps i have never been that important to them. n they probably dnt know they actlly mean something to me. i hate to admit it , but i really am jealous . maybe im just talking abt that particular friend.
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seeing how vulnerable the relationship between people can be, i rlly wish i know how to treasure those ppl i dnt want to lose. i do not want to know them as strangers 10 years down the road, that will be really really sad. i want to learn how to be a friend. i want to be able to empathise, to let go, to take things as they are ... but sometimes, im also fearful of giving too much for fear of getting hurt. the more i give the more i wld wan to receive n if it turns out to be an empty hole, i'd be angry at myself for being so stupid to hav given so much. maybe... it is not too bad a thing to be inhibited, to guard my heart , to trust only myself. is there any thing or an one i can rely on with certainty ? and is there a need to?
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super confusing, super baffling . i will stop thinking frm here.
& Lazy afternoons ...
8:39 AM :D
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
