and only a feeling heart mattered.

down here, i will try to be as honest as possible. 31 12 2009 in a way marks a day which i probably wouldn't forget; its bitterness and sweetness will most likely stay in a lil corner of my heart. i now cannot quite remember or feel the intensity of my feelings and thoughts then, but i am trying my very best to revisit those compelling images and record them here as i have perceived them.

i felt sorrow, deep sadness for people whom i never realised were so closed to my heart, an unexplainable sense of connection...most importantly, i finally allowed myself to feel all those feelings that have been hiding behind the false front i had been trying hard, without my knowing, to put all the while. It was so hard to feel the vulnerability of the world just next to my skin.

i thought aplenty...

happiness is not achieved by ignoring all the sadness that are virtually existing around you and living in your own happy little bubble because that is selfishness. happiness is recognising the grief of others and helping them see a brighter light. it is about forgetting your own needs and wants and listening to others with everything else you can offer. it is about feeling with your heart, and making a difference. at least, happiness comes in this form for me. i felt almost ashamed of the ugly person i have become. self-centered. critical. superficial and calculative. I didn't become stronger , but my heart had hardened. As a result, it felt as though i have been living the days without a soul. I become jealous at the tiniest things and unhappy over trivial incidents. I began to compare myself with others subconciously and habour unkind thoughts towards people. it became hard to go that extra mile for others as i grew skeptical of the world around me. i stopped trying to fulfil my responsibilities, and allowed myself to slack off. and all the while, i couldn't feel any bit of remorse or the prick of my conscience.

until today , i was deeply moved by the actions of the people around me.

gosh, what have i been doing !!!